Skeleton Krew
| Developer: Core Design | Graphics: |
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| Publisher: Core Design | Sound: |
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| Year: 1995 | Difficulty: |
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| Genre: Coalition of Clattering Clods | Lastability: |
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| Number of players: 2 simultaneous | Rating: |
4/10 | |
In the grand tradition of irreverent cartoon heroes from the ’90s, having exhausted reptiles, amphibians and rodents, here come the “Morbid Mercenaries”, a trio of vigilantes in their underwear, themed around … skeletal anatomy. So invested in their brand that they call themselves Spine, Rib and Joint. They operate in an isometric 3D shooter that’s visually polished, but despite a concept calibrated to appeal to transgression-hungry teenagers, utterly banal in execution.
Even the manual desperately tries to talk in teen speak, to sound Kool by replacing all the Cs with Ks; I found it rather Kringe. Sorry, Kringe-worthy.
The first level creates an illusion, the initial impression is decent, and then you quickly sense they ran out of time to finish the game. This shows in the absence of bonuses, the number of levels limited to six (the second one, what a surprise, in the sewers), and the last one, reduced to an empty corridor leading directly to the final boss (rather like Virtual Hydlide).
The only novelty: the character doesn’t shoot in eight directions, but twenty. The weapon (and the arm, and the entire upper body really) pivots in 18° increments. And to manage this with a single-button controller, three configurations are offered. It’s never a good sign when you’re given a choice, remember Carcharodon… Result: it’s slow, it’s stiff, you feel like you’re piloting a tank.
There is indeed a two-button controller option, slightly faster but completely bizarre: the first button rotates the firing angle in one direction, the second in the other direction, and to shoot straight ahead … you have to press both simultaneously! Incidentally, tapping one or the other makes you either jump or change weapon (two weapons in total: the classic pea-shooter that fires straight, and the short-range grenade launcher).
But beyond the arthritic handling, the real problem is that this Skeleton Krew is catacomb-boring. No new weapons to get your teeth into, levels as flat as a sternum, where a phalanx of enemies as expressive as a bleached femur wander about. This skeleton of a game, devoid of substantive marrow, betrays inspiration reduced to the bone. I don’t know what else to add… Clavicle!
There exists a CD32 version, which only distinguishes itself through the presence of an “industrial hip-hop” soundtrack, rather incongruous in a science-fiction title (judge for yourself). I couldn’t get it working on an emulator beyond the character selection screen.
I imagine, because its market was more promising in 1995; the Sega Genesis version fares considerably better: more fluid, more manageable, better finished, with a far more convincing soundtrack. We even get an animated sequence at the beginning and an additional boss at the end.
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